What do I long for? A sense of being whole, accepted, and in congruity with a true self that keeps calling out to me.
“For all of us, however, there are moments of dawning awareness, little cracks in our armor that reveal glimpses of our deeper longing and our true nature. We generally don’t like what we see there, because it forces us to admit we are fundamentally dissatisfied. We begin to see that the results of our efforts are not quite as perfect as we had hoped for. Perhaps the career we worked so hard to achieve is not as rewarding as we’d expected. Maybe the love relationship we thought would make us complete has become timeworn and frayed. Things that gave us pleasure in the past may now seem empty. Such glimpses occur in unique ways for each person, but they always happen. They happen repeatedly. Each time, they represent a twilight of the dark night of the soul.”The Dark Night of the Soul, Gerald May (p.64)
I can’t explain it. I only get glimpses of it periodically. This sense that there is a deeper true self buried in my soul. One that can access wisdom, love, and courage. One that has love for God and others at its core. One that embraces the self’s gifts as well as the limitations.
But I have to admit that I don’t truly live out of that place. I know something is calling me because of the irritable state I’m in. I’m not angry AT anybody per se. But I feel the disjointedness in our circles, in me. I can having this image of a deep cave underneath all the grass, dirt, and rocks. A beautiful place of life that is buried. But I hit walls to get there.
I sense God’s presence in that image. I also sense the anger is part of the digging and learning. And I intuit that the deeper longings are clamoring to be heard.